I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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