She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
