Is it normal to miss your booty call?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
