I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
