I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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