This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
