The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
