Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
