And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize