There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
