he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
