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They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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