Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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