I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
