1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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