Kiss
Puke
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
