what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
