I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
