God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
