i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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