MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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