Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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