just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
