Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
