She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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