Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
