I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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