dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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