well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
