I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You're like the curious george of whores
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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