how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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