she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
