Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize