You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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