She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm at about main and main street
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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