oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Randomize
