I think my fart just growled at me.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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