this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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