I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
