Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
