I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
