She just used a chaser for red wine.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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