Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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