i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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