Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
