I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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