I didn't shave. On purpose
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
