i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
