i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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