Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
