I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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