12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
