We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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