I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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