Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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