Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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