Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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