he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
