if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
