I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
