So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
