do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
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