I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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