i need an iv and a liver transplant
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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