Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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