mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
