The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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