New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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