I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
